The Promise, and Profit, in Genetic Engineering

I can’t speak for the rest of you, but I have grown weary with all the naysayers who object to introducing new, promising, genetically modified organisms into the world. I am part of a consortium of venture capitalists who are proposing a start-up company that would barnstorm into Pittsfield, Massachusetts, and reoccupy the buildings that once housed General Electric (you know, “G.E.: We bring good things to life”?), to help create new and novel life forms that will, literally, breathe new life into this community. It’s name? Not G.E., but “GEE!” (“We bring things to life”), with two exciting projects that I’d like to share with you today.

The first involves research on genetically altered mice. We are combining the DNA of a mouse with the sap-producing gene of the maple tree, so that every time the mouse urinates, it pees maple syrup. Although, at this early stage of research each mouse can produce only about one thimbleful of syrup each day, we envision mouse superfarms scattered throughout the farm belt, with billions of mice, urinating potentially millions of gallons of syrup annually.

Anticipating that at least some of the billions of the genetically modified mice escape back into the wild and mate with field and house mice (and we know how frisky they can be), we have prepared a free brochure: Raising Genetically Altered Mice for Fun and Profit.*

(*Any and all genetically modified mice are the exclusive property of GEE!, as well as all profits derived therefrom. In addition, the words “Mouse®” and “Mice®” are now registered trademarks of GEE!, and these terms can only be used with the express written consent of the company.)

The second project has to do with that perennial nuisance, the pesky blackfly. Because we will never be able to fully eradicate this pest, why not simply make it useful? Our research involves combining the DNA of the blackfly with those of the Eastern Canada Goose. In this way, we will be able to raise the blackfly for its meat.

We are still in the early stages of research and there are, of course, always a few kinks to work out. One of the unintended side effects of our work has been the unchecked growth, and aggressiveness, of some of our blackflies. But not to worry! We have secured our research station by reinforcing its doors and windows in order to contain the specimens, some of which have been known to grow quite large. A bite from one of these rascals basically removes a limb! And I would like to take this time to downplay the significance of reports that an experimental blackfly did recently escape from its confines and devoured a pair of Chihuahuas and a Poodle on the outskirts of Pittsfield. The blackfly was quickly brought down with a tranquilizer gun, and restitution was made to the owners of the dogs in the way cash payments and therapy. Cutting-edge technology is not without its risks.

Although the Bible says God created man in His image, I think it’s time we go one better: perhaps we can create a God in the image of us. There’s got to be money in it somewhere!